This time last year...

Self Improvement. 

If there's anything I believe in, it's the art of self improvement.
In all forms.
For me, I notice it in the little things, that wouldn't really mean that much to other people, but when I do notice them, and think about these little things, it's quite reassuring.

When it comes to music, it's difficult to gauge other people, for me at least. .. I don't want to say 'how good', but how much they know, how experienced this person is, it's difficult to tell.
So I don't know if, for my age I should know more or I know enough, and I have no idea what I should be learning, or experiencing.
I would really like to study Music Production at University, and sometimes, I get really worried that I'm not getting better at something, or that I'm not learning the right things, and these will be my shortcomings when it comes to the crunch time.
You can see when somebody is good at Football for example, it's right in front of you, you can witness it.
Music, I find is nothing at all like that.

I may have a skewed opinion, but that's exactly the point.

For me, the little reassurances, not just music related, but life related, are what cheers me up.
For example, when I was in year 7, I always wanted to be in the school talent show, it was something I wanted to do.
A few years on, I participated. This year, I'm hosting it!

Trivial, you might think? You'd be right, trivial indeed. Not something to be excited for in the slightest, not really worth mentioning I suppose.

Last year, I played at the Maryport Blues Festival, on the Youth night, which was basically, the night before the 'proper' festival, local bands, mostly teenagers, got to play the main stage, effectively to their families who came along for support, and the occasional local who came because it was free. I really wanted to play that stage, for the actual festival.

In February, I got chance to open Maryport Blues Festival, after winning a battle of the bands competition.
It was a phenomenal experience.
I spent the evening rubbing elbows with Joanne Shaw Taylor, Heinrik Frieschlader and Joe Louis Walker, and the free food was pretty good.
It was fantastic.

Now I look back, it does reassure me.
I have lots of these moments, too many of too little value to mention, but they do mean something to me.

So, thinking about it, I am looking forward to hosting my school's little talent show.

If I can accomplish the little, trivial, insignificant, unnecessary, pitiful, pathetic dreams like these, it just makes me wonder if I can achieve the much larger dreams I have now? Perhaps my worrying is key to achieving, that drives me? Do I worry too much? Not enough?

I suppose I'll be able to tell you in a years' time.

lyrics. WHAAAT

WHAT EVEN? 
Why can I not write lyrics? Why is it so impossible? I actually cannot.
I have music! I have ideas! No lyrics.
A lot of music that is simply fantastic, the lyrics are a defining factor, the melody. 
sure, I can create guitar melodies, but the key bit, the vocal melody, eludes me.
GOD. Frustrating. 
I’m not one of these teenage girls who seem to able to practically sweat out lovely(and not so lovely) emotions in word form, you see. These female.. things.. that can just magic up words. I would say that it’s not fair.. but actually. No, it’s not fair, at all.

Why can’t I be a troubled teenage girl, who vents her feelings via pen and paper, overflowing with life experiences, dreams and fantasies just waiting to be turned into a 3 note melody, over 4 chords at 90-115 bpm, singing on the upbeat of each bar, and a strange bridge that makes no sense.


I wish I could create magic on paper, not even proper magic, I would be happy with pre-first year Hogwarts shit, like, accidentally setting your rabbit on fire or something like that.

So as I sit here, with a guitar in my lap, keyboard to the side of me, and pencil behind my ear, I’m actually beginning to wonder if maybe, emotional outpourings in the form of words aren’t all that difficult?

Fuck me, who am I kidding, of course they are.